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It's good to laugh and most of you know that I like to laugh and always love a good joke. So here are a few I've put together
for those not so great days.
Blonde Riding Shotgun
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup... nope... yup...."
| This is what happens after too much Krispy Kreme |
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Sweet Talker
On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying Pass the
sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.
Then he says, Pass the tea, you old bag.
| To all you who are on the computer too much... |
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| this could become you! |
Yo mama's so fat... 90210
Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale
Blonde in the Third Grade
Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde.
Which one had the best figure?
The blonde - she was 18.
Roy the Rooster
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
Stumpy and Martha
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride
in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word
was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly,
I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Cat Hating Husband
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.
The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few
miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he
thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?"
answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
| This is what happens... |
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| when a cat sees me! |
| Sadly I have to say this is me. |
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A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood. He wants to
buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The
woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to
her. He says, "Go put this on and come down to
model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks,
"this thing is so see through that the old coot won't
even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn
thing."
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to
the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the
surprise of his
colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he
finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest
I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies
and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English
bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his
fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was
doing. "Well" he
explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I
was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to
himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head,
rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he
was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating
I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
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